The Questions That Keep You Stuck

And the ones that set you free

Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash

I honestly think most of our (avoidable) suffering comes from asking the wrong questions.

Let's take my friend, for example.

Last year, she went through a huge crisis. Her whole life flipped upside down, and one of the biggest pain points was her relationship:

Is he the right guy?
Is there something wrong with me?
Maybe I need to change?
If I break up with him, will I ever find a mate?

I’ve been through a similar process, so I could totally relate.

I was in a relationship that had a lot of love… and a lot of fighting. A lot of unsafety. Every time I reached the end of my rope and just wanted to leave, my partner would say, “We’ve come so far. Surely we’re about to break through this pattern. We just need to hang in a little longer.”

The questions I asked?

What if he is right?
What if I'm chickening out last minute?
What if this is my saboteur speaking?
What if I'm not seeing something?
What if I'm saying NO to love out of fear? (and this was the one and only chance?)

Ah, the agony of that time! So much gut-wrenching pain and confusion. So much instability and inner unsafety! I don't wish it on anyone.

I'm very grateful that particular ‘initiation’ is behind me and I don't experience this kind of excruciating pain anymore (at least not when it comes to relationships).

Being with my friend last year made something very clear: so much of her pain came from what I call dead-end questions. I could see how she was maneuvering herself into an emotional and energetic cul-de-sac that only amplified her suffering.

Here’s the thing:
When we’re in pain, our number one priority is to get out of pain.
That’s just a basic, universal truth.

When our amygdala fires up, we perceive danger. It’s an emergency. And the first thing we need to do is bring ourselves back into safety, so we can recover our capacity.

This is not the time for deep thinking.

I repeat:
When we’re in fight-or-flight (and yes, that includes emotional pain), it is not the time to try to ‘understand’ the why, who, and how.

There’s only one question that truly matters in those moments:

What do I need?
What do I need to regulate?
To soothe the little one inside?
To bring myself back to safety?
To restore my capacity?

These questions bring you out of your story and back into your body. They lead you into the present moment. Into tenderness. Into compassion and into truth.

In my case, I reached a point where I was just… done. Tired. Exhausted by the fighting, by the endless doubts. And the truth became simple and obvious:

I need peace. That’s it.

No story.
Just truth.

And what a relief!

At that point, I didn’t care anymore about whose fault it was, whether I was messed up beyond repair, or whether I’d end up alone forever. None of it mattered.

What mattered was my own sanity. My sanctity.

They say the truth will set you free. And that’s exactly what happened.

The truth is the truth is the truth. No arguing possible.

I needed peace and my acknowledging that was the biggest relief my battered self could have hoped for. It was also one of the most empowering decisions I made.

It's always empowering to choose truth over story.

So let’s sum this up.

Maybe next time you find yourself in the cul-de-sac of your mind—by your own making—these words might offer a little lifeline to bring you back to truth, the present moment, and ultimately… your body.

Whenever you find yourself asking questions that bring confusion or pain—like my friend’s—track that question all the way to its answer, and notice whether the answer brings any tangible relief.

Let’s walk through it, step by step.

The question she was asking:

Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken?

Possible answer:
Yes — I’m fucked up.
(Does that change how you feel about the situation?
Probably not. Except now, you likely feel worse about yourself and more stuck in confusion about what to do next)

No — So it must be the other person who’s fucked up.
(Does that change anything? Does it bring relief?
Unless you’re dealing with an obvious narcissist or abuser… probably not. Blaming others might offer a brief moment of satisfaction, catering to our ego, but in reality it doesn’t soothe the heart)

Congratulations!

You’ve just identified a dead-end question.
And that’s one step closer to maneuvering yourself out of that personal loophole of hell.

Now you can gently bring your attention to the present moment .

Ask yourself:

How am I feeling right now?

Shitty.
Confused.
In pain.
I’m suffering.
I don’t know what’s true.
I don’t know how to make this better.
I don’t fully understand the root of my suffering.

Then ask:

What do I need?

A break.
A pause.
Kindness.
To cry.
To scream.
To be held.
To be alone.
To admit that I’m scared.
To express.
To move.
To ask for (professional) help.
To come back to myself.
To go to nature.

Then, if you want to go a layer deeper:

What's the worst thing that could happen?

I get rejected.
Abandoned.
Embarrassed.
Laughed at.
I lose everything.
I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
I’ll fail.
And at the very end… I’ll die.
(Yes, the mind is dramatic. Let it have its little play. Then come back to the body.)

Where in your body do you feel that sensation?

My hands.
My feet.
My chest.
My face.
My belly…

Now, try this:

Can you become intimate—friendly, even—with that sensation in your body?
What does that energy inside you need?

Not to be fixed.
Not to be solved.
Not to be seen as a problem.
Just to be felt.
To be with.
To be met.
To be touched by the softest of breaths.

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I know that when you’re in the thick of it, reading something like this can feel easier said than done. Our minds are... tricky, to say the least.

And no, doing this once won’t be the magic pill that ends every future moment of agony life has in store. But if you keep practicing—every time you remember—it will bear fruit. I promise. Eventually, it becomes second nature.

You’ll find yourself less hooked by that well-meaning problem-solver in your head, and more rooted in your wholeness. Again and again. Always.

Much love to you, fellow traveller.

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Want to dive deeper?

Check out my website for my workshop on Inner Safety, www.kasiapatzelt.com. Or book a free 1-1 discovery call with me to start your journey back home to your body and inner being.