Why Willpower Alone Will Never Change Your Life (And What Will)
the forgotten but crucial piece for lasting change
(Those of you following me for the last month know that I've been tackling the big and wide topic of ‘Inner Safety’ in my recent articles. This is yet another piece that adds to the picture.)
I'm curious - How many of you have had this experience?
You want to change something about your life. Let's say you want to get fit.
So you decide:
Ok, this time I'm going to do it! This time for sure.
I'm done with being lazy. I'm going to start exercising!
You are all fired up, you've been brewing on this for weeks, feeling the energy build up inside. You go ahead and take action:
whether that's signing up at a gym, or starting to run once a week or subscribing to some online class. Amazing!
You feel great, you are determined. Nothing is going to stop you this time!
It goes well for a while, maybe a month, maybe much longer.
And then…
inevitably life happens and you fall off the treadmill of your holy routine.
Or you simply run out of steam and become a little bit more slack.
And next thing you know: you have given up on your goal and are back in the dump of your negative self-talk —see, what a loser you are. You can never change for real. You are lazy. You are not good enough. etc.
It's always a tough one and seems to hit you straight in the gut. Each time a bit more. Then it takes some time to digest the shame of disappointing yourself and gather enough energy to claw yourself out of that hole and try again… only to press the repeat button eventually.
I'm writing about this today inspired by a conversation with a client who is running exactly this pattern.
While listening to her, I think, but of course it is happening like this! How could it otherwise? She is only using willpower to drive her desire for change.
I've done it myself so many times. And without fail, I always failed (pun intended).
Every time I tried to force my way to an outcome, it never worked.
Whether that was around new ways of eating, meditating, learning a language, giving up coffee or anything I wanted to get better at…I always ran out of steam before reaching my destination.
If I used willpower alone, that is.
So what is it that is missing you ask?
It's simple. It's called intimacy.
Intimacy is the art of deep listening with love (i.e. without judgments) to the inner whispers of one's own needs.
There is more to us than the need to perform and excel.
We are creatures of being-ness not just doing.
In order to grow we need to be nourished.
And we nourish ourselves with fun and play and pleasure.
We replenish our inner waters with enjoyment-
that subtle art of simply receiving the goodness of life without a goal.
Without achievement.
That's what love is based on. And even though it may sound cliché,
without love we cannot achieve anything worthwhile.
(and if we do, we pay a high price for it, like burnout)
What does this actually look like practically?
It starts with creating a safe relationship with all parts of yourself.
It is like parenting a child- your inner child!
We all have that part that doesn't like to be bossed around. We all need to be felt, heard, and seen first— we all need attunement above everything— including the ‘best intentions’. This is the only way to become more self aware.
(which is sadly what many of us missed out on…hence we are finding it so hard to give it to ourselves).
Like all children, this part is not logical. It is not linear. It doesn't care if something is ‘healthy’ or 'right’. It just wants to feel safe. It wants to know, that it is loved no matter what.
That's the crux of it. As 'trivial’ as it may sound.
Instead of forcing and pushing, start with listening.
Start with asking the question: What am I feeling (deep down) and what do I need?
This is where the real journey of transformation begins.
Willpower gets results- intimacy and wholeness bring transformation
In the case of my client, I asked her this:
What do you do when resistance (to your practice and goal) comes up? How do you meet that part?
She had never paused long enough to even consider it. She just thought it was part of her inherent ‘flawed-ness'. Something that she had to fight against and to push through.
I encouraged her to gently feel the flavour of the resistance and the voice that it came with. Eventually, she was able to feel a stomping little girl inside —fists clenched— who was screaming at her something along the lines of:
You never listen to me! You just force me to do what you want. You don't care how I feel, you just want me to look good for others! I hate you!
When she connected to this energy living inside her body, she finally started crying and with it softening. She was amazed at how harsh she had been on herself. How violent even.
I believe that most of us struggle with this form of self-rejection and harshness. It's part of the set-up of our psyche, ego and all. After all, we are wired for survival.
No matter what.
And sometimes survival means for us: I have to change my current state, because the shame of being where I am at, is going to kill me.
It's actually a beautiful part itself.
We need it, too. There are times when pushing is indeed required.
More often than not, however, it's an unconscious pattern that is playing out and wreaking havoc with our self-esteem.
That's why we need to learn to listen, to pay attention and cultivate intimacy.
In my next newsletter I will explore the art of tracking and the importance of asking the right questions to build a better relationship with ourselves. Stay tuned! And drop me a comment if this resonates, I would love to hear form you!
I don't have a paywall yet for my content, but if you enjoy it and would like to support my creative juices with a cup of coffee, I will graciously accept! Thank you in advance!
Want to dive deeper?
Check out my website for my workshop on Inner Safety, www.kasiapatzelt.com. Or book a free 1-1 discovery call with me to start your journey back home to your body and inner being.