What Intimacy With Oneself Looks Like in Daily Life
Cultivating Inner Safety for living the life you were born to live
Last week, I wrote about the Energetics of Inner Safety and how true safety begins with intimacy with oneself—a functional, healthy relationship with all parts of you, based on kindness and presence. Some of you asked what that actually looks like in daily life. Here’s my answer.
The ‘Before’ State: Living in Survival
I used to be constantly anxious, always running, out of breath without realizing it. I didn’t know how to truly relax, so I numbed out with watching movies, reading books and being always there for others. I was also utterly addicted to being needed. (How many of you recognise that one?:). I struggled with IBS, exhaustion, and an underlying sense of restlessness.
In short, my Nervous System (NS) was in survival mode—either in collapse or hyperactivity.
The consequences?
I didn't have deep intimate and nourishing relationships with others. Nor did I know how to make wise attuned decisions which meant that I got myself in some tricky situations over the years. I would say I fucked up royally quite a few times and yes, I saw myself as a big failure for a long time. The shame for having made unwise decisions that jeopardised my health and my finances (and with that my safety), took a long time to digest.
Growing up, I never learned what it meant to take good care of myself. My mother was an over-giver, never attuned to her own needs and always the victim; my father, a perfectionist and self-critic who leaned into narcissistic tendencies.
I didn’t have a clear imprint of what it meant to be truly kind to oneself. So, I became a performer, because that was the only way to get 'some’ kind of love and with that 'safety’. I knew how to be ‘likeable,’ and as long as someone validated me—sweet Kasia, joyful Kasia, shiny Kasia—I got my dopamine hit of connection and was happy. I could keep morphing myself into whatever they wanted me to be.
Of course, it wasn’t real connection. It was approval-seeking. Even though I had a lot of 'friends’ and my life was good, I was swimming only on the surface of relating. There was no space for my ‘authentic’ self. The not so polished parts. I went for guys only because they liked me. The inner dragon, that inevitably had to rear its head, eventually came out in those relationships. And my boyfriends were always like WTF, who is this?
The more it came out, the more it was met with disbelief and shock, the more I was ashamed of it and the more I blamed ‘the other’ for it. Since it was them who didn't feel me deeply enough to understand what I was going through and it was them who weren't able to give me the safety I needed to meet my inner dragons without recoiling.
It took a lot of painful experiences to learn my lessons and to dig myself out of that pattern. But eventually I did it.
What changed?
Life had literally forced me to my knees: Listen, or keep repeating the same suffering. And I was so very tired of drama. I just wanted to be held and feel safe. So I began listening. Not to my mind’s stories but to my body’s cues.
I was always a seeker. Somehow I knew that living this way - the way I learned from my home and culture- was not the way humans were supposed to live or relate. Something was really off.
So I travelled the world, lived in 5 different countries, learned to meditate, studied counselling, did Ayahuasca and other plant medicines, released trauma through breath-work …and much more. And all of it were necessary stepping stones on the path.
But the real shift happened when I learned the art of tracking in my first HeartIQ retreat. Simply put, it's the art of deeply listening and 'naming’ what you are feeling without judgment.
Instead of chasing validation, I started attuning to my body and honoring what I truly needed in the presence (and this is absolutely crucial) of others. Because we can do inner work by ourselves until the cow's come home, but unless we bring it into our relationships it won't really make a difference.
What does Inner Safety look like now?
I truly love myself more and more. Not in an aggrandising kind of way, but in a ‘look at her being so human’- way. How adorable.
Life feels safe and enjoyable and effortless (most of the time).
My daily experience is that I hardly ever feel out of breath anymore. I don't experience much stress. I simply honor my capacity instead. I no longer stretch myself beyond my limits just to please others. I know when I need rest, when I need space, when I need nourishment. And I act on it. And because I do, I have so much more energy for my creativity!
This inner shift has actually changed every aspect of my life:
I became much better at putting boundaries.
I embraced my ‘selfishness’ and stopped feeling guilty about saying no. My relationships are now deeply nourishing, and I no longer tolerate drama. I feel safe with others and when I don't, I know what to do about it.
I manage my energy in a more sustainable way.
I know what gives me energy and what drains it, and I try to act accordingly. I cherish my peace, my alone time, my time in nature. I don't often do things that leave me depleted and when I do, I have tools to bring me back to centre, and with that to safety.
I no longer feel afraid in the world.
My instincts are sharp. If someone crosses a line, I don’t freeze—I respond. Even as a woman in a potentially vulnerable environment I know that I can take care of myself.
I also feel more confident showing myself and sharing my gifts. Working with new clients, for example, I used to be nervous about whether I could deliver everything I promised. Now there is a solid grounded presence in me that simply trusts and knows.
My relationship to food has transformed.
I lost 10kg without dieting, for example, simply by eating from attunement rather than habit. But it's not weight that matters, it's that I feel good in my body, that food has become a non-issue, that is important.
I know how to emotionally regulate.
When anxiety or dis-regulation arises, I meet it with gentleness, compassion and curiosity, not panic. I don't make this 'Nervous System’ and body with all its idiosyncrasies wrong. I learned to enjoy all the ups and down and to flow with my emotions rather than resist them.
Does this mean I never struggle?
Of course not. I still get overwhelmed sometimes. Or anxious, or confused, or insecure. I still, like every human, suffer from time to time. But that's just life and life is about growth. It's meant to do all that so we evolve and learn. It's just that we are not meant to go through it in a shutdown response forever. We are not meant to go through it feeling alone. We are meant to learn how to ride the waves and have fun doing it.
Inner safety isn’t a mystery. It’s a skill set.
A skill set that is more than intellectual top-down tools. It's about reconnecting to the living intelligence of our body and heart. It's about intimacy. It's a living, breathing relationship that once you commit to it, it will be the source of your well being always. Something that no one can take away from you, ever.
I’ll be teaching the foundations in my online workshop starting April 23rd. If you want to feel more at home in your body, check out my website for all the info or drop me a line at info@kasiapatzelt.co and I will get in touch with you to see if this is truly for you.
Thank you for reading and
much love to all of you,
Kasia