The Keys to Self-Love and Why Bubble-Baths Are Not Enough
Five qualities that will help you fall in love with yourself more
Love yourself. Accept Yourself. Fully. Unconditionally.
Yeah.
That's certainly great advice and most of us really really want to, too.
But how? How do we actually go about loving the parts of ourselves that we really don't like? That we think are ugly? How do we go about releasing all the judgments and self-criticism, the shame and the guilt, that so many of us are subject or addicted to?
If it was as easy as choosing or making up our minds to do so, we would all already be there, right? So why are we still looking and reading articles such as this one?
Well, for once, I believe it goes deeper than bubble-baths and with bubble-baths, I simply mean self-care. Self-care is essential and a wonderful result of self-love. But self-care is simply not enough.
We can go about indulging in luxurious pampering kind of treats, like spas or shopping, or treatments, do our yoga and meditation…and still never develop a genuine felt sense of: I love myself (read: I'm good enough, warts and all), which in turn would leave us to be genuinely happy and at peace with ourselves, would it not?
(And by the way, before we go any further, just to clarify: I love bubble-baths, they are my favourite!)
But as I said, self-love goes way deeper than that. It's rooted in a deep intimacy with oneself, the kind that leaves no stone unturned. To love means to know the object of our love, in this case ourselves!
Just as she says in Avatar: I see you.
Are we able to truly see ourselves? And what does it take to have this kind of relationship with ourselves?
The five pillars of self-love
So I have been putting some thought into what the qualities that we need to cultivate are that will help us open our hearts towards ourselves. Here is what I came up with. Let's see if you agree.
1. Curiosity
Curiosity is key to any kind of relationship that is meant to grow and thrive. If we are closed, if we already have made up our mind about something, there is no change possible. We get stuck in our mindset and that's it.
So if I hold a judgment or belief about myself, saying e.g.: I'm stupid/fat/unworthy/ugly/lazy/…and I made up my mind about that, that's the energy I will live in. And many people indeed do for their whole lives.
But if I can change just that one thing: rather than being set in my mind, I can start being curious, the whole game changes.
Instead of saying yes to all the above thoughts about myself, I might just soften at first into a maybe that's who I am.. And from there I can become even more curious. I can ask myself:
hm, is this true? Is this ALWAYS 100% true?
What if it's not true?
And who says so in the first place?
Where are these thoughts coming from?
Who would I be without them?
As you can see, curiosity can take us on a big adventure into the depths of ourselves. In fact it's the only way that will result in a deepening of self awareness. But curiosity is not the only thing. We need to also cultivate a deep sense of
2. Loving Kindness
Kindness simply means: I wish you no harm.
Imagine reaching out to a scared, wild kitten. How do you make it come closer to you? You radiate this energy of kindness out towards it over and over again without expectations, pressure or forcing. Eventually the kitten will learn to trust you.
Our Nervous Systems can be like that: needing a lot of reassurance and patience (which are all included in kindness) before we can really drop into our bodies and feel at home in our skins.
Kindness says: you are safe with me. Because, in essence we recognise that we are the same kind of creatures. We all share the same needs of safety, warmth and love. (human and animal alike).
Kindness also says: I see you. I see not only your soul but also the fear and tension your animal body carries and I don't want to add any more stress to it.
Kindness results from this deep embodied understanding of what we need in order to be our true selves. And with this understanding, it doesn't judge.
Think of a thing that you are unhappy about within yourself: a feeling, a trigger, a pattern, something that you really struggle with. Maybe it's addiction, maybe anxiety or your anger problem…your lack of boundaries, Whatever it is.
First be curious about the texture or structure of the 'thing'. Where in your body do you feel the charge? Can you stay open and spacious towards it?
Second, can you soften your heart towards it, just the way you would towards that kitten? Truly, if you had no judgments about the 'thing', if it was a little frightened wild animal, how would you meet it in order to make it feel safe with you?
Even though you might not like what you are feeling, when you meet it with kindness, it will reveal more of itself to you. You are then able to ask it: what do you need? And that’s where a whole new story begins.
Curiosity is what helps you to stay open but kindness is what will allow you to come closer.
3. Honesty
But this is not the end. For only with curiosity and kindness, we might be able to learn how to accept ourselves, but without radical self honesty we won't be able to progress on the path of love and growth.
You are probably not always lazy, anxious, mean etc.…but sometimes, like all humans, you can be.
And that's where honesty comes in. After all, self-love doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be arseholes and then to get away with it. It also doesn't give us permission to be out of integrity with ourselves.
Self-love means to see ourselves deeply and for that we need to start cultivating honesty …especially when it comes to our shadows.
We all know, what that's like, don't we?
We responded with a knee jerk reaction to something we didn't like. A snide comment for example that's intended to hurt, but we tell ourselves it's ok because the other one asked for it…
The truth is that as soon as you have this kind of internal dialogue happening, it means something is off. There is something you are hiding from yourself. Use curiosity to properly look what feelings are lurking underneath the surface, and with kindness accept what you see, aka be honest.
Yes, I said this. I said it because I hurt and I wanted to hurt back.
This can often be like an ice-cold bucket of water to our ego…it can be very sobering to see our shadow self, the one that's not all love and light.
But we are all humans and we all have a shadow. So remember kindness. Kindness is the towel handed over to us by our own heart, the seat next to the fire that helps us to get dry and warm again (after the ice-bucket :).
And honesty is what cultivates integrity, a sense of coherence within ourselves. Without that coherence we will always feel off about ourselves, no matter how much we try.
If I'm an addict for example and I want to quit but I keep doing it anyway, I create a horrible feeling of untrustworthiness and shame about myself. Honesty in that case may look like: I'm addicted and it's hurting me. And I'm at this stage unable to change this by myself as I already tried everything. If I really want to change I will look for the help I need.
4. Trust
With honesty we can arrive at a clear look at our own flaws and limitations. With curiosity we can look at different perspectives towards ourselves. And with kindness we can move from judgment and shame towards a place of warmth and softness. A place of deserving.
But here we need trust. We need trust to fuel our motivation for this inner work. Trust that we are able to change. Trust that we are able to heal. Trust that there is something inside of us that is bigger than our afflictions and our ignorance.
How do we cultivate this sense of trust towards ourselves? We start with honestly and curiously observing the facts of our existence, of course!
Is it not true that your heart beats without you doing anything? That your lungs breathe? That your stomach digests your food?
All this happens without our control. The truth is that we came upon this earth through the doing of some greater intelligence. And when we look around, this intelligence called nature has an immense capacity to be in harmony when left undisturbed.
Its beauty is breathtaking. Its complexity is incomprehensible and its wisdom is beyond what we can grasp.
AND we, i.e. you and I, WE are part of it!
How freakin' awesome is that.
Just as we trust the sun rising every morning, the leaves falling in autumn and any imbalance in the web of things making itself visible eventually, so we can trust that there is something inside of us, that wants to re-align to this power. And since it's where we came from it sure as hell knows how to do it, much better than our little minds ever could.
Trust also carries another frequency with it. It's called humility. When we are utterly honest with ourselves, we know that we will never be able to control nature, try as we may.
We know that in the end we all have to surrender ourselves into nature's arms and that trust is the only kind way of doing so.
Without that trust in our inherent goodness, our inherent orientation towards coherence and harmony, we can only question ourselves and our intentions every step of the way. That's like digging big potholes on the path towards more (self)-love.
Simply unnecessary.
5. Acknowledgment
If we think of ourselves as a plant that wants to grow, flower and produce fruits, we see that the above points are all necessary nutrients for that growth to happen. But in order to really thrive, we need fertiliser. Extra sun light and water.
We find this fertiliser in the power of acknowledgment. It's the sweet cousin of honesty.
Honesty goes further than just seeing our shadows. It also sees our strengths and accomplishments. It sees our progress. Our intentions and our desires. The oftentimes unexpressed (in words) world of our values and spirit.
This is a subtle energy that emanates from us and often we are entirely oblivious to it. It's just who we are. That's why it's so nice to receive acknowledgment.
I saw you put in that extra effort, thank you.
Yes, I did. Thank you for seeing me. For seeing what is truly important to me. For who I truly am. And now that I feel acknowledged, I also feel encouraged to be more of that!
The more that we learn to curiously and honestly pay attention to ourselves, the more we can learn how to acknowledge that which we wish to grow.
Acknowledgment serves as a mirror, reflecting back to us our own light and in doing so amplifying it.
If you never just pat yourself on the shoulder for where you have come from, how hard it has been and what it took to get here, you deprive yourself of the motivation (the fertiliser) to keep going.
And of course, acknowledgment can be used not just for seeing the good in us, but also for acknowledging our suffering. The pain we carry.
In that case, this sweet cousin is medicine too. It's a soothing balm to see all that we have been through and the fact that we are still standing or that we indeed need support.
Indeed, without this medicine we lack context in which to place ourselves. Just another faceless human in the vast mass of other humans.
Acknowledgment brings back our humanness. It remembers the unique and beautiful spirit that dwells in each one of our hearts.
Of course there is more. Self-love is a never-ending story. The more that you pay attention, the more nuances reveal themselves. (I could have written a whole other paragraph on virtue too! That's for next time however).
These five qualities: curiosity, loving kindness, honesty, trust and acknowledgment are a wonderful practice to start with.
Why?
Because you don't have to go learning how to love yourself the hard way (read: fix and release)! You can just practice the above and self love will literally be the result.
If self love is the size of a muscle, then these five qualities are the weights you are lifting on a daily basis that eventually get you where you want to be:
a huge heart and the best of all: being at peace with yourself.
If you like what you read, you can buy me a coffee! Thank you!
Kasia Patzelt is an Artist, Laughter Yogi, Embodiment and Integration Coach. She helps people to release trauma and learn the art of self-compassion through embodiment practices and creativity.
This is such a well-written article. I love its wisdom and its buoyancy.
I am going to save it and apply it in my life.
Thank you!